thirty something

This will probably be my most personal post to date. If you would not like to know me on a deeper level, feel free to skip this. But people are natural voyeurs, so I am assuming most people will carry on ;)

I turned thirty a couple of years ago. When the date was approaching, I didn't get antsy, or nervous, or scared. I was actually pretty excited. I had heard that your thirties were soooo much better than your twenties. All the "what am I doing with my life, who am I really, how do I want people to perceive me?" kinda just all falls into line as you cross into the new statistical bracket of 29-35. So I was ready. I wasn't exactly what you would call stable in my twenties. I floated from city to city, job to job, apartment to apartment, and bad relationship to bad relationship. So yes, I was ready to leave all that behind. I went into my thirties with a pretty good sense of myself. I wasn't exactly a grown up ( I did have pink hair and multiple facial piercings) but people seemed to respect me a bit more since no longer being a "kid".

Fast forward two years, incorporate a stable job, a long term living situation, solid relationship and the suburbs and you are looking at my life. There is one thing that when people who told me about their thirties forgot to mention. (Disclaimer: if you are not quite into your thirties yet, you might wanna skip ahead, it is scary and you may not be ready to hear this yet). Something happens that I never saw coming and lately its thrown me for a loop. They forgot to tell me I was going to grow up!! I wasn't prepared for this, no one told me this was going to happen. An when exactly did it happen? I'm so confused ;p

Yesterday the boyfriend was removing a sticker he had on the back of his truck. It was a Misfits sticker ( its a band, for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about). He has had this sticker on his truck for ten years. When I asked him why, he just looked at me and said "Its time". So it got me thinking about my own relationship to growing up and how it is effecting me. I no longer have spiky pink hair, I no longer have multiple facial piercings and I'm thinking about purchasing a more family accommodating car. What?? Who is this person?? Me, buying and SUV and living in the suburbs? This is something that never in my wildest imagination could I comprehend happening to me.

Some of you know and some of you don't that my life has changed a lot since I met my boyfriend. He has two little girls. Eight and seven. I never wanted kids (and still don't want my own), and now I find myself making decisions about things that may or may not effect my family. Now for some this is very normal. You get in your thirties and you start a family. I never expected it to happen to me and it still sounds weird when I say "my family" out loud. Don't get me wrong, I love being part of a family, it is just a little different from my past with go-nowhere relationships and drive thru meals. Now, I think about what fruits and vegetables to incorporate into dinner and how much sugar is appropriate for children. (However, if it was up to me, I would still have frozen yogurt for dinner)!!

I would never give up what I have with my boyfriend and kids for nights of bars, the dating scene and frozen yogurt dinners. I feel so lucky to have met someone who truly completes me. I just feel insecure going into this stage of my life. I question whether my lifestyle change is part of the growing up process, or if I am somehow resistant to it out of fear of change or some pre-conceived notion of how I thought things would end up. I feel like myself on the inside. I just look different on the outside. One of my biggest fears in life was to be the stereo typical mini-driving soccer mom. I have no idea why, but it terrified me. ( for the record, I have nothing against mini-van driving soccer moms, I'm just sharing an irrational fear) Luckily our kids do gymnastics and karate ;) And why do I abhor mini vans? Why is there such a stigma to them? They are practical when you have a family. But I still loath them. And people still make fun of them. (PS, the boyfriend has one, and it really does make things easier) Maybe its just our generation that fears "growing up"? I have no idea, but I know it is happening to me, and it feels slightly awkward.

With all that said, I am happy. I am stable, more responsible and in love. Which are four things that don't come so easily, so I'm taking it and running with it.

I still listen to music that would make my parents ears bleed, have an affinity for tattoos and spiked belts (even though they are in the closet), and make some pretty irresponsible financial choices. There is hope yet....

Here's to our forties!!

xo
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